Mo Bile

The new venue for my most recent exploits as a corporate yes man is taking a bit of getting used to. Vodafone have purpose built a 6 story glass cage for their minions, and filled it with bean bags and Swiss balls and a 30 metre woven carpet of plastic chilli peppers and optical fibre cascading from the roof of the atrium. A great red stream of the bizarre, forcing visitors to stop momentarily, I’ve seen them, eyes up to the havens, mouths slightly open as they gaze up, possibly marvelling at the symbolic charm of the piece, more likely reconsidering their meeting schedule and wondering if its too late to bolt.

In short, it’s all very ‘Now’. That is to say, that Vodafones’ marketing vision for us, employees and customers alike, to buy quite literally into, is all about making the most of ‘Now’, living in the ‘Now’, celebrating, even, how good ‘Now’ is. I find the whole thing insidious. As soon as I log on in the morning, an automatic banner scrolls across my screen telling me to make the most of now (I very nearly pack up and go home immediately). When I go to the coffee machine im told, via plasma screens streaming ads, to make the most of now. Gad damnit even when I go and sit down on the loo im staring at a poster on the back of the stalls door telling me to make the most of now. Needless to say I personally find my daily, peaceful, routine occupancy of said stall the best use of ‘Now’ all week.

In case you’ve been shaded from the global glare of the vision statement it’s basically that, and I quote, “Vodafone thinks the world is a great place! There's never been a better time to be alive. Never before have we had so many amazing opportunities, so many possibilities, so many options. The world is constantly new and improved. Now we can do what was impossible before; things people hadn't thought of - let alone wished for. And the point is we'd be crazy not to make the most of these amazing things now.”

Where to start?! Before I get ahead of myself, I know, I know, they’re not going to sell any mobile phones by saying ‘isn’t the world terrible and unjust, we’re ruled by incompetant, delusional maglamaniacs with one hand on their crotches and the other on the button, and if you’re watching this ad then you’re one of the lucky ones, and your probably not a refugee, famine victim or political prisioner blah blah’. But come on, this self congratulatory bile designed to ‘feelgood’ people into buying a shiny, new phone and a top up text plan stinks. My role, as well as assessing the software, is supposed to test the customers exposure to the ‘deal’. The systems all work fine but extended exposure to that BS on the website is liable to cause vomiting and chronic post-modern angst I kid you not.

Then there’s the desk thing. It appears that in modern, proactive, ideas farms you don’t get your own desk, you get a ‘zoner space’. This is a shame because in the past I’ve quite enjoyed the cozy, clutter and familiarity of my own desk. Im quite sure im up to international standard when it comes to growing coffee cup mold. I’ve always got a half read book stashed in a draw in case of a sunny lunchtime that cries out for a lounge in the park. Plus a desk is great for storing all the documents im never going to read, but which, when spread over every available surface give the impression of intense activity. Sadly none of that is possible here. Im given a laptop and every morning I play hunt the work space. If youre in early you get a window view, come in late and you’re stuck out by the lifts. S’rubbish, the mold doesn’t stand a chance to even get a foothold.

With no fixed desks, there’s no need for fixed phones either, which is wholly understandable in a Vodafone building I guess. Its all mobiles, and this has strange repecussions on the office environment. People can’t help but walk and talk. The whole blinkin building is filled with tossers with bluetooth ear pieces, phone clipped to belt, pacing up and down. I’ve seen it happen; as soon as people dial a number, they stand up and stride off round the building so as, it seems to me, to share their frightfully important conversation with as many people as possible. Sometimes they nearly stride into each other round blind corners, and theres a sort of embarrassed shuffle while they redirect themseleves and both stride off in different directions, finger on ear.

‘Nowness’, I was recently reminded, was the buzz phrase of the beat generation; the original malcontents disaffected with the bile of commodification. 50 years ago Kerouac and Cassady frantically capaurpulted themselves across America, in constant search of now, living life in the present was their way of avoiding the buy-in lifestyle. The irony, William Burroughs subsequently pointed out, being that the story of Kerouac’s’ travels indirectly sold a ‘trillion pairs of levis and a million espresso coffees’ as counter culture became absorbed by the main stream. Within his own lifetime Kerouac saw his ideas packaged up, branded, marketed and sold back to him.

Maybe that’s what I find so hard about being surrounded by this ultra sophisticated marketing message to the people; that there really is no question about whether it's the right thing to do or not. Maybe it’s that I just can’t seem to simply close my eyes and be absorbed by it.